Sorka's Theater: A Parody of Classical Works
by sorka robinton
Summary: Tortall and Emelan screw up the classics, such as a midsummer night's dream, romeo and juliet, and more...
1. A midsummer night's Tortall

my wacky version of a midsummer night's dream, tortallan style.   
shakespeare would twist in his grave, because the lines are all wrong. i screwed them up a bit.   
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
**Sorka's Theater: A Parody of Classical Works   
  
A Midsummer Night's Tortall**  
  
**Lord Alan as THESEUS  
Deceased mother of Alanna as HIPPOLYTA  
Lord Alan as the PHILOSTRATE, Master of the Revels for THESEUS  
Lord Alan as EGEUS, father of HERMIA  
Alanna the Lioness as HERMIA  
Thayet, Queen of Tortall as HELENA  
King Jonathan as DEMETRIUS  
King of Thieves George as LYSANDER  
Daine as the FAIRY QUEEN TITANIA  
Numair as OBERON, KING OF THE FAIRIES  
Kaddar as BOTTOM   
Sarge as RANDOM FAIRY   
Onua as RANDOM FAIRY  
Roger, Duke of Conte, as our good fairy PUCK**  
  
the other characters don't even get into the story...which is a give away. im sticking to the love triangle, or square actually. of course they will fight etc. otherwise would it be interesting?   
  
I realize that not everyone may know this story, so heres a summary- because the story i've wrote makes no sense if you dont know it.   
  
**In this week's episode of A Midsummer's Night Tortall, we have our characters in a dress rehersal. **  
  
**THESEUS is the Duke of Athens, who is currently betrothed to HIPPOLYTA, the amazon queen. HERMIA and LYSANDER are in love, yet her father EGEUS opposes the marriage firmly, wishing his daughter to wed DEMETRIUS instead. (This guy was also said to have ruined the honor of the HELENA, not a plus in his reputation.) DEMETRIUS is madly in love with HERMIA, but HELENA, HERMIA's best friend, is deeply in love with him. HELENA is sad. This is a crappy summary, but I'll go on.   
  
To escape the strict code of Athens, HERMIA and LYSANDER run away to the forest, DEMETRIUS on their heels. Seeing her love following the 'wrong' woman, HELENA joins the chase. Somehow, in a complex web of weirdness, a well-meaning fairy (PUCK) accidentally gives a love potion to the poor, freaking-out people, causing both LYSANDER and DEMETRIUS to fall in love with HELENA, leaving the formerly popular HERMIA in the dust...  
  
And in the forest, a struggling member of a play, NICK BOTTOM, is used by PUCK and OBERON to make TITANIA give up a small boy to OBERON as a page. They make TITANIA fall in love with BOTTOM, who they change into a half-donkey to humilate her. As a side thing, OBERON sees the sad HELENA and that's how PUCK accidentally screws up the love scene...  
**  
sorry, that was a bad explaination. the real thing is better.   
  
  
  
**THESEUS-ALAN**: _(brandishing his script)_ Now, fair **Hippolyta**, our nupital hour/ draws on apace. Four happy days bring in/ another moon; but, O, methinks how slow/ this old moon wanes...Hey, director, where is the person who plays **Hippolyta**?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(glancing up)_ Oh, your **wife**.   
  
**ALAN**: My **wife**?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Yes.   
  
**ALAN**: Dammit, you asshole, she's dead! And I never got over it! You freak.  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Oh. Well, she's casted as your fiance **Hippolyta**.   
  
**ALAN**: Well then, what the f*ck am I supposed to do? Pretend she's there?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Yeah, you can do that. Good idea, carry on. _  
_  
**ALAN**: _(fuming) _Oh, Gods! Just skip to the part where **Egeus **comes in with his stupid daughter. Dammit, can't anything go right? I have a soliloquy with _myself _for how long...forget it.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Umm...okay. You're going to kill me. First of all, his "stupid daughter" is your daughter **Alanna**, and well, you're **Egeus **too.   
  
**THESEUS-EGEUS-ALAN**: What the f*ck?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(losing temper, screaming and throwing papers at stupid **Lord Alan**) _Shut up and just do it!  
  
**ALANNA**, **THAYET**, **GEORGE**, **JON**: Nike!!!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: I hate you all! _(to **Alan**) _Keep going, piss-for-brains.  
  
**THESEUS-EGEUS-ALAN**: _(glaring at the director) _Fine, I will. I'm **Egeus **right now, since I'm playing two stupid parts.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Well, three. You're Theseus' **Philostrate**, too.  
  
**THESEUS-EGEUS-PHILOSTRATE-ALAN**: Oh, f*ck already. I'm goddamn **Egeus **right now. After this I can get back to my books, thank Gods. I hate you people already, and it's been what, five minutes?  
  
_(Enter **Egeus-Alan**, **Hermia-Alanna**, and **Demetrius-Jonathan**)  
_  
**THESEUS-EGEUS-PHILOSTRATE-ALAN**: Here's the damn short version. _(in a pissed-off, singsong voice) _Come I, with complaint/ against my child, my daughter **Hermia.**/ **Demetrius**, my noble lord/ this man hath my consent to marry her./ Blah, blah, blah, evidently I don't like this **Lysander **fellow. Well, I want her to marry **Demetrius**.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(through gritted teeth, trying to keep patience) _Stick to the script, damn you!  
  
**THESEUS-EGEUS-PHILOSTRATE-ALAN**: Fine, fine.   
  
Oh, f*ck. the next line is me, too. Okay, I'm **Theseus **right now. _(to **Hermia-Alanna**) _Be advised, fair maid,/ to you your father should be as a god/ to whom you are but a form in wax/ by him inprinted and within his power.  
  
**ALANNA**: Hey! I don't want this part, with a stupid, chauvanistic father- oh, look daddy, it's almost like my real life! How dare she marry this stupid **Demetrius**-  
  
**DEMETRIUS-JONATHAN**: Hey, watch it.   
  
**ALANNA**: So let me get this straight: everyone likes **Hermia**, and no one likes **Helena**. C'mon, me and **Thayet **should switch parts. It would be more believeable, right?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: No one is changing parts, dammit! You all have to pretend. That shouldn't be too hard, should it? _(glaring at first **Alanna**, then **Jon**.) _It's not like you don't have the experience.   
  
**JON**: _(bit sheepish, putting a guilty hand on **Helena-Thayet's** waist) _But I love **Thayet **now. That was a while ago...  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Pretend, you ass! Aren't there a whole bunch of stories about you and **Alanna **getting back together, anyway? Either by affair or in dreams?  
  
_(**Thayet **pales, **George **sputters, **Alanna **steps on **Director's **foot, **Jon **sweats...)_  
  
**DEMETRIUS-JON**: Dammit, those are freaking fanfiction!  
  
**THAYET**: _(tearfully) ****_Jon, do you still have-  
  
**JON**: No! Dammit, no! They're stupid teenaged **authors **with some kind of mental problems...it's not true!   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Well, they did a lot of "things" in the book.   
  
**THAYET**: Wait, I never heard about it. What did you do?   
  
**JON**: _(whispering) _Shut up, **director**! Are you trying to get me killed?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(speaking loudly) _No, it's just that I read in the book series Lioness Quartet about you and **Alanna**- gee, you guys got started in bed _way _early-  
  
**THAYET**: You asshole! _(starts strangling Jon)   
  
****_GEORGE: What book? There's a book?   
  
**THAYET**: _(shrieks) _Don't you even care?   
  
**GEORGE**: _(shrugs) _Well, it's not like I'm all that virtuous, anyway. And she told me, too. Besides, _my _spouse isn't the one with erotic daydreams.   
  
**JON**: _(turning blue) _You're not helping!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(screaming) _Carry on, you unprofessional, untalented idiots! And what the hell? **Thayet**, **George**, you guys aren't even supposed to be on stage yet! You idiots!   
  
_(the **two **scurry away into the wings)_  
  
**HERMIA-ALANNA**: All right. _(Angrily)_ I don't wish to marry this **Demetrius**-freak. I hath my own mind, and hath an opinion, and hath a great hatred towards stupid **DIRECTORS **like the one standing over there-  
  
**DIRECTOR**: How hard is it to stick...to...the...F*CKING SCRIPT?!?! And you don't use "hath" that way.   
  
**ALANNA**: Shut up, **pinprick**.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Oooh im scared.  
  
**GEORGE**: _(from offstage) _You should be. She can be scary sometimes. Oh yeah, did I ever tell you about the time that-   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Shut up. Keep going, you idiots. Ah, hell. Skip this part, go on to where the couples are running away.   
  
_(Enter **Helena-Thayet**) _  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Wait! Stop! Where's Daine and Numair, and Kaddar? And Onua and Sarge?  
  
_(They enter sullenly, all four angrily tugging at their fairy wings. **Kaddar **is happily wearing normal clothing. He sneers at them, they punch him in the stomach repeatedly.)   
  
****_KADDAR: Ow! Stop it, I'm the Emperor! I can have you all executed!_  
  
****_SARGE: Do I have to wear this thing?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Yes. Now go on.   
  
**DAINE**: I didn't have time to read the script, see. Can you tell me what's happening?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(patient, but angry) _All right. **Oberon **is mad at **Titania**, so he gets **Puck **to put stuff in her eyes to make her love **Bottom**, _(Kaddar grins) _who gets a donkey's head. _(Kaddar scowls.) _And then, **Puck **screws up the mortal's love lives. Where the hell is **Puck**?   
  
**ALANNA**: Who is playing **Puck**?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(sweating) _Umm...well, we'll see later, won't we?   
  
**NUMAIR**: But I don't want to be mad at Daine, and I don't want her to fall in love with **Kaddar**. _(punches guy one more time.) _And they don't ... do anything, in this play....right?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Well, in the movie with Callista Flockhart, they kind of do something.   
  
**NUMAIR**: _(panicking) _Something?! What something?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: It. You know.   
  
_(**Numair **hyperventilates. **Kaddar **is really really happy.)   
  
****_ONUA: _(confused) _What's a movie?  
  
**THAYET**: Who's **Callista Flockhart**?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Nevermind.   
  
_(Duke **Roger **materializes. Everyone screams, 'cept **Director**.)   
  
****_ROGER: I'm here, everyone!   
  
**ALANNA**: What the f*ck are you doing here? I killed you!   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Hey, **Roger**. Great to have you here.   
  
**GEORGE**: _(yelps) _He's supposed to be here?  
  
**ROGER**: Who do I play?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(handing him a script) _The good fairy **Puck**.  
  
**THAYET**: Is he the guy with the earthquake? _(Everyone nods.) _I don't like you! You tried to kill my husband!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Well, he was watching **Alanna **while you were fighting for your life in the ballroom, and apparently, according to the fanfiction **authors **and the Holy Writ of **Tamora Pierce**, he still loves her. Why do you care?   
  
**JON**: Shut up! Its not true!  
  
**THAYET**: If you cheat on me, I'll cut you up.   
  
**ALANNA**: No one's cheating!  
  
**JON**: Yeah.   
  
**ONUA**: Who is **Tamora Pierce**?   
  
**GEORGE**: And what's this book you keep talking about?  
  
**THAYET**: Then what's the director talking about?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Fanfiction.net, an internet site for fanfiction. Their sources say that **Jon **still loves **Alanna**, but she loves **George** faithfully.   
  
**ONUA**: What's Fanfiction?  
  
**SARGE**: What's internet?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: I have proof.   
  
_(enter **Sorka Robinton**, fanfiction author)   
  
****_SORKA ROBINTON: I dunnos, I guess theres some stories out. Haven't read it all, since the site hasn't been working properly for a while. Stupid site! What is the world coming to?!?! NOOOO! _(dragged raving off the stage by** palace guards**)   
  
****_DIRECTOR: Ohhhkay. Bad example. But theres lots of stories about you and **Alanna**, **Jon**. Take it into consideration.   
  
**THAYET**: Hey!   
  
**ROGER**: _(reading script) _I don't want to be a fairy!   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Boo hoo. I don't care.   
  
**ALANNA**: _(snarling) _I don't want him here.   
  
**ROGER**: Go ahead, kill me again. I don't want to be a f*cking fairy anyway.   
  
_(they duel, **Alanna **kills him, big red stain on floor as stage crew drags his body away, throws it behind the fake trees on the stage.)   
  
****_DIRECTOR: You killed my **Puck**!  
  
**GEORGE**: _(imitating director) _Boo hoo.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: **Alan**! Lord **Alan**!  
  
_(enters from stage left, dragging bookshelf)   
  
****_ALAN: What? I'm reading, can't you see?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: You're playing **Puck **now, too.   
  
**ALAN**: Nooooo! I have four parts already!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: So? Okay, everyone. **Titania**, you're sleeping behind the tree, **Oberon **comes up and puts magic things in her eye, **Bottom **comes along, and she falls in love with him. Got it?   
  
**JON**: What are we doing?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: You're running away, just walk in circles, following **Hermia-Alanna** and **Lysander-George**. **Helena-Thayet's** following you, and pretend you don't like her, and that you love **Hermia-Alanna** instead. _(he winks, **Jon **gulps, **Thayet **scowls.) _Now, go!  
  
_(**Numair **pokes **Daine **in the eye and runs away. She screetches. **Kaddar **stumbles out, tripping on **Roger's **dead body.)  
  
****_BOTTOM-KADDAR: Ahhhh! Oh my god! Eewwww! Theres blood on my shoes!  
  
**TITANIA-DAINE**: _(rubbing her sore eye) _What angel wakes me from my flow'ry bed?   
  
**BOTTOM-KADDAR**: My Queen! _(kisses her passionately)   
_  
**DIRECTOR**: Stop! What the hell are you doing?   
  
**KADDAR**: Playing my part! _(Numair socks him in the stomach again) _Ow!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Sure. Right. Just keep going, okay?  
  
**TITANIA-DAINE**: Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful.   
  
**BOTTOM-KADDAR**: Gee, Daine, thanks. Will you marry me?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Dammit!  
  
_(**Numair **rushes up and starts strangling **Kaddar**. In struggle trips over **Roger's **dead body again.)  
  
(Guards enter, the Carthakian crest on their uniforms. Shoots **Numair**, bundle **Kaddar **off to safety, **Daine **with him.)  
  
****_ALANNA: Maybe we should move that body. Well, both of them now.   
  
**THAYET**: I guess **Daine's **happy to be Emperess, thats good. Too bad about **Numair**, though. And someone mop up the floor? Please? _(no answer) _I'm the Queen here! Can't I get the floor mopped? C'mon!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Now we don't have an **Oberon**, **Titania**, and a **Bottom**! _(calling out) ****_Alan?  
  
**ALAN**: Screw you, I'm going home!  
  
**THAYET**: I thought you were dead, anyway.   
  
**ALAN**: Oh, yeah. _(disappears)  
  
****_DIRECTOR: Noooooo....Forget it! _(throws papers up in air, frustrated)   
  
  
THE END  
  
tune in for next chapter/episode, when the magic circle do Romeo and Juliet! coming soon to your computer screen.   
_


	2. In fair Emelan, where we lay our scene.....

its another one of sorka's screwed up classics! next one is either the odyssey or the tempest or ...hmm, gotta think.  
  
Briar's Rose- right now its S/B, but the next one is going to be Neal and someone that is not Kel...i've decided that, because someone told me in the review...  
  
sorry, this one is kind of junk. but maybe i'll be more creative in the next one  
  
~~~~~~~~~`  
  
**Sorka's Theater: A Parody of Classical Works  
  
Romeo and Juliet: Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Emelan, where we leave our scene...four years later from _The Magic Circle_  
  
**Briar Moss as ROMEO MONTAGUE  
Lady Sandrilene fa Toren as JULIET CAPULET  
Tris Chandler as NURSE  
Random Male as TYBALT  
Random Male as PARIS   
Daja Kisubo as ROSELINE  
Pasco as MERCUTIO  
Dedicate Rosethorn as LADY MONTAGUE  
Dedicate Crane as FATHER MONTAGUE  
Duke Vedris of Emelan as FATHER CAPULET  
Dedicate Lark as LADY CAPULET  
Dedicate Frostpine as the good FRIAR  
  
...and featuring NEALAN OF QUEENSCOVE as HIMSELF  
  
I sure hope you all know this story, or Sorka will belt you over the head so hard you see stars...or little pink hearts.   
  
Their familys, Monague and Capulet fight. Romeo and Juliet fall in love. etc. Roseline is the girl he had a crush on before. Mercutio dies. Paris dies. If you don't know the ending, they die too. :'(  
  
DIRECTOR: _(clapping his hands) _Everyone get to the set! We need...lets see, we can start at the ball scene, where **Romeo **and **Juliet **meet eyes. Okay?   
  
**BRIAR**: Am I there?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Duh.   
  
**BRIAR**: Cut me some slack! I can't read!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: You can't read? How do you see the script?!  
  
**BRIAR**: _(holding it up and squinting) _Well, they're in black ink, I can read some of them, and then there's some squiggly lines-  
  
**DIRECTOR**: You idiot! Allright, someone tell him the lines ahead of time.   
  
**SANDRY**: _(kindly, as always) _You can be nicer to him, Director. He just started a little bit ago.   
  
**TRIS**: _(eager to agree) _Yeah, yeah he just did!  
  
**BRIAR**: _(whispering in ear) _Thanks, **Sandry**. This guy's a chuffle.   
  
_(**Tris **scowls)   
  
****_ROSETHORN: _(reading script) _What? I am not going to be **Crane's **wife!   
  
**CRANE**: _(dryly) _And you think I requested it?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Oh, shut up. I already had enough trouble with those Tortallans. Can't anyone just shut up and read their lines?   
  
**DAJA**: Who? Tortallans?  
  
**BRIAR**: Well, I can read most of the script.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Oh, nevermind. Ahhh! Okay, lets start!  
  
**ROMEO-BRIAR**: Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night...  
  
**CAPULET-VEDRIS**: Hold on, while I get something to drink. Just a minute? Pretend I'm here.   
  
**TYBALT-RANDOMMALE**: Great. Who am I supposed to talk to? He's gone!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Do I look like I care? You don't even have a real name!!!   
  
**TYBALT-RANDOMMALE**: Stuff it! I'm leaving! _(he leaves)_  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Dammit!_ (trying to keep patience)_ Well, lets keep going.   
  
**BRIAR**: Okay. From where?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: The palm part.   
  
**BRIAR**: P-A-L-M. Oh, here. What do they do?   
  
**DIRECTOR: **_(rolling eyes) _They touch palms, get romantic, kiss.   
  
**BRIAR**: Gee, sorry. Just wanted to make sure. These people talk all funny. _(**director **nearly chokes on his spittle) _  
  
**SANDRY**: Am I in the scene?   
  
**DAJA**: And me?   
  
**ROSETHORN**: Me?  
  
**CRANE**: Me?   
  
**FROSTPINE**: Me?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Stop! This can go on forever! Everyone is on, but Frostpine, Vedris, and Lark.   
  
**DAJA**: Hey, wait. Am I supposed to be **Roseline**? Isn't that the girl he had a crush on before?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Yeah.   
  
**DAJA**: That's kinda weird. I don't want to do it.   
  
_(**Tris **scowls again. **Pasco **nudges her.)   
  
****_PASCO: Stop doing that. _(quietly teasing) _D'you have a crush on him or something? _(She turns beet red.) _Oh, no. _(laughs)  
  
****_TRIS: Oh, shut up.   
  
**BRIAR**: Can I talk now?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Yes!!!!!!  
  
**ROMEO-BRIAR**: Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?   
  
**JULIET-SANDRY:** Ay, pilgrim, thips that they must use in prayer.   
  
**ROMEO-BRIAR**: _(blushing) _O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do!/ They pray; grant thou, lest faith turn to despair.   
  
**JULIET-SANDRY**: _(blushing, nearly crumples paper in hands) _Saints do not move, though grant for prayer's sake.   
  
**ROMEO-BRIAR**: Then move not while my prayer's effect I take./ _(Turns pale) _Thus from my lips, by thine my sin is purged.   
  
**SANDRY**: Ummm...**Director**?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: What?   
  
**SANDRY**: You know. The scene calls for...umm...  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Oh, that. Go ahead, you need to for the performance in Emelan, for sure. Anyway, doesn't all the fanfiction pair you two up anyway?  
  
**BRIAR**: Fanfiction?   
  
**SANDRY**: Performance?  
  
**TRIS: **Am I the nurse just because I'm fat? Can't I be Juliet? _(everyone ignores her whining) _  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Umm...never mind. Kiss. Before I lose my temper.   
  
_(They do. Then like it. A lot.)  
  
(**Tris **groans)   
  
****_DIRECTOR: You have more lines. _(Taps foot impatiently.) _You two...  
  
**LARK**: Oh, dear.   
  
**CRANE**: _(Gesturing to **Briar**) _Look what you let your student do. Practically maul the Lady's face in front of everyone.   
  
**ROSETHORN**: Could be worse.   
  
**CRANE**: How?!  
  
**PASCO**: Um...this is strange. Really weird.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Line!!!  
  
**ROMEO-BRIAR**: _(mumbling quickly) _Sin-from-my-lips-O-trespass-sweetly-urged-give-me-my-sin-again. _(_returns to the passionate kiss)   
  
**DAJA**: This is funny.   
  
**VEDRIS**: _(returning with drink) _Did I miss anyth- Oh, gods! _(sees **Briar **and **Sandry **kissing)_  
  
**LARK**: Your grace, um, it's part of the play!  
  
**VEDRIS**: My heart!...  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Healer?!!!  
  
**NEALAN OF QUEENSCOVE**: Hi?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: What the hell are _you _doing here?   
  
**NEAL**: Umm...well, I was right over there for your Tortallan version of _Romeo and Juliet_, coming next chapter, and I heard that you needed a healer. My **father's **over there, too...oh wow, look at those two. _(points to **Sandry **and **Briar**) _They really like each other.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Crap, I'm screwing up the books! Tortall does not mix with Emelan!  
  
**ROSETHORN**: What books? Tortall?   
  
**NEAL**: Emelan?   
  
**TRIS**: Because we're part of the living circle, don't we not have a hell?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Ahh! Well, yeah okay, you **Queenscove **people take him. He doesn't look too good.   
  
_(**Vedris **pants, **Sandry **looks up, worried.)   
  
****_ROSETHORN: _(sarcastically) _High time you came up for air, milady.   
  
**SANDRY**: _(blushing) _Sorry.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Let's just move on...wow, this is the first time I've had a cast that has gotten so...umm, into it.   
  
**LARK**: Well, that's not always a good thing.   
  
**VEDRIS**: My chest...  
  
**DAJA**: _(reading ahead in script) ****_Pasco dies? His character, **Mercutio**, gets stabbed?   
  
**PASCO**: I die?!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: Sort of...  
  
**PASCO**: What do you mean! How do I die?  
  
**DIRECTOR**: You get stabbed in a fight, by that "**random male**"...who left.   
  
**PASCO**: _(hysterical) _I don't want to die!  
  
**DIRECTOR**: You're not _really _going to die.   
  
**PASCO**: You never know! You told them to kiss for the play and look what happened! _(**Briar **and **Sandry **blush) _What if I die!  
  
**LARK**: **Pasco**, it's all right.   
  
**PASCO**: _(screaming) _No! It's not! I'm gonna die! _(sprints out door)   
  
****_DIRECTOR: Umm...okay...  
  
**CRANE**: What's wrong with him?   
  
**ROSETHORN**: Donno. _(shrugs)   
  
****_SANDRY: _(reading ahead) _Oh, my gods, we die too! **Briar**! _(pointing to page) _We die!  
  
**BRIAR**: What? _(looks at page) _Oh. Man that sucks.   
  
**SANDRY**: And our families don't want us to marry!   
  
**BRIAR**: I dont have a family.   
  
**SANDRY**: Well, the fake one...oh, poor **Briar**. _(pats his head, he grabs her in a passionate kiss. Tris sobs.)   
  
****_BRIAR: _(breathless) _I can't believe this! We have to die before we can be together!   
  
**DIRECTOR**: You two are getting carried away with this. It's just a play.   
  
**BRIAR**: A play!? Our lives?   
  
**LARK**: **Briar**, **Sandry**, no one's going to make you die.   
  
**VEDRIS**: _(wheezing and leaning on Neal's shoulder) _We won't make you die.   
  
**BRIAR**: Well, these people are stupid, then! We won't die, we'll run away! C'mon **Sandry**! _(Grabs her hand, run off stage and out the door.)   
  
****_ROSETHORN: Oh, gods. Did they just elope?  
  
**CRANE**: See, your student.   
  
**ROSETHORN**: If you're so damn wise, why didn't you try and stop them?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(making fast decision) _Well, we have our new **Romeo **and **Juliet**!  
  
**ROSETHORN/CRANE**: What the hell?   
  
_(**Daja **giggles, **Tris **still in tears from **Briar **and **Sandry's **eloping)   
  
****_ROSETHORN: I'll kill him first! _(launches herself at **Crane**, start tearing at his face. **Vedris **lets out a gasp, turning blue, and collapses.)   
  
****_FROSTPINE: Who do you think is going to win?  
  
**DAJA**: _(staring) _Definately **Rosethorn**.   
  
**TRIS**: _(sobbing) _I- I didn't kn-now they lo-ved each-other!   
  
**DIRECTOR**: **Alan**! Lord **Alan **of Trebond!   
  
_(redheaded man enters) _  
  
**ALAN**: What the hell now? Wasn't yesterday enough torture?   
  
**DIRECTOR**: I need you to be **Romeo **and **Juliet**.   
  
**THESEUS-EGEUS-PHILOSTRATE-OBERON-TITANIA-BOTTOM-ROMEO-JULIET-ALAN**: No! No way! And I'm dead! Look at all the freaking parts you made me play! Damn you! I'm still dead! So you can't find me! Hahahahha.... _(disappears)   
  
****_NEAL: Wasn't that **Alanna's **father? The dead one? Who you cast in all those parts? Thayet told me about that. Poor guy. All he wanted to do was rest in peace.   
  
**DIRECTOR**: Oh my god. It's happening again. Total mayhem. _(Raises hands in supplication) _I hate my life.   
  
**NEAL**: Hey, you know, **Alanna **told me about something like this, during their dress rehersal. She said there was a dead body. Is there a dead body here too?   
  
**FROSTPINE**: _(pointing to **Rosethorn **and **Crane**) _There will be one soon. Probably the scrawny man. And...umm...your patient the **Duke **is dead too.   
  
**NEAL**: Hey neat! Seems like fun, **Director**. Hope to see you soon. _(leaves Vedris' dead body on the ground, walking away)_  
  
**DIRECTOR**: _(massaging forehead wearily) _See you on the set in around two hours, **Neal**. You're playing Romeo.   
  
**NEAL: **Great! Maybe I can get to make out too..._(leaves set)_  
  
**DIRECTOR: **Gods. I hope not. Can't anything go right?!   
  
_(redheaded girl bursts into set)_  
  
**SORKA ROBINTON, FANFICTION WRITER: **Please, get the **fanfiction.net** site working again! Please, or these innocent people get it! I have a gun! _(makes a grab for **Neal**, index finger and thumb held like a gun, **guards **snatch her back into wings) _Please...help me! I need my fanfiction! _(dragged out door, thrown out, heard from outside.) _Where's **Briar**? I like **Briar**. Where...oh crap, let go of me you stupid **guards**! Ahhh...  
  
**DAJA: **Who was that?  
  
~~~~~~THE END   
  
coming soon, next episode! the protector of the small characters in their own version of romeo and juliet!   
  
or more- emelan's weirdos in a fairy tale!  
  



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